"Dropout" by Yuu Ikeda

Dropout
an essay in verse form

In 2013,
the time of my life stopped.

I dropped out of society.
I dropped out of everything.

This situation is called hikikomori in Japanese.

Since 2013,
my life has changed completely.

No goal to gaze at.
No place to touch relief.
No friend to talk to.
No work to prove myself with.
No joy to breathe in.
No loneliness to live through.

What exists is only vanity.

Can you imagine
how vanity affects the mind?
Probably,
vanity is the cruelest thing
I've ever felt.

Since 2013,
the space of my life shrank.

My To Do list is the same every day.
I talk only with myself, only with my brain.
Energy for anything else
sank to the bottom of me
like old fish food.
It's so difficult
to find even fragments.
Where does energy come from?
How can I regain it?

A life built of without-bricks
can crumble the mind.

One day is so long.
One year is so short.
What I have learned in 10 years
is a small equation.

But I'm bloated with vanity.
My brain tells me that I should give up.

Can you imagine
talking to yourself
in a hall of mirrors?

I want to shout Help me.
But I can't do it.
As an adult,
I'm ashamed of having dropped out.
If I were a child,
I could shout, cry, and demand help.
But I am an adult.
I am a miserable adult.
It's the reality that I must gaze at.

I must save myself by myself
like a dewy flower in the desert.

Everyone may ridicule me.

Although I am an adult,
I can't live by myself.

I am an adult,
and I drag my parents around with me.

The more days I live,
the more guilt I feel .
My parents may have given up on me.

On my left wrist,
I cut.
Until I dropped out,
I didn't understand the reason
for wrist cutting.
But now I know.
Whenever I see blood,
I feel pain. I am alive.

By hurting myself,
I punish myself.
Instead of forgiveness,
I carve wounds of punishment.
Whenever I slash my left wrist,
pain works on vanity and guilt
like fire melts ice.
These marks are atonement for
being alive without doing anything.

My brain wants a red-rose life.
But I can't do everything.
My body doesn't bloom
against my will.

I want to run.
I can't run.
I want to run.
I can't run.
This conflict tortures me.

Again and again,
I tried to have hope
of living in society.
Again and again,
I tried to find hope
of living like a human.
And again and again,
I gave up and hurt myself.

I just wither.
My skin shrinks without
knowing love, relief,
and self-worth.
It's miserable.
It's so miserable.

Where do I exist?
Where can I exist?
Who can see me?
Who can hear me?
It's miserable.

10 years. About 3,600 days.

Can you imagine
how a life without anything
affects the mind?

Although my brain wants to scream,
my mouth doesn't open.
Instead of screaming,
I write it.
I decide to write it.

In 2013,
the time of my life stopped.

Yuu Ikeda

Yuu Ikeda (she/they) is a Japan-based poet. She writes poetry on her website: https://poetryandcoffeedays.wordpress.com/. Her latest poetry collection, A Knife She Holds, was published by Newcomer Press. Her Twitter and Instagram are @yuunnnn77.

Photo Credit: Staff