"You Never Leave the Stage" by Christian Barragan

You Never Leave the Stage

Before I came here, the police had already asked me for a statement on Arwin. So let’s get this over with before my next show starts. What have you amounted to when you're forced to evaluate an actor?
I met Arwin a long time ago, back in high school. Both of us were part of the theater program there and spent a lot of time backstage. Our skill far outweighed that of the other students, given our lifelong interest in storytelling. At least, that was his perspective. I knew it was because we were good at lying. He told me about his childhood escapades, though I proved to be far more mischievous at that age. No matter how many times my parents tried to beat the truth out of me, I wouldn’t break character.
Last night? I know, I was getting there. There was a very long car ride in which Arwin repeatedly attempted to talk to me. If you can believe it, I was always the talkative one, but that day I remained as quiet as possible. I knew what was coming and I needed all the help I could get.
If you must know, Arwin wasn’t the first person I paired myself with. A slew of others came before him in my effort to develop one true connection. Each forced me to change to suit their needs, and I obliged. I know it sounds bad, but at least with all the change I could never encounter the real me. That would’ve scared me more than anything. In college, I ran into Arwin again, and he took me for who I was. No matter who that happened to be. I changed a lot around him too, but never because of him.
It wasn’t all easy. Eventually I was offered a theater scholarship to a high-level university. But I couldn’t leave him. I knew I’d never find someone like Arwin again.
Is it a tad cold in here?
Naturally, we didn't improve at the same pace. Arwin’s theatrical prowess forced me to hide my jealousy the first few years. But it wasn’t at all hard hiding it from him. He never knew how I felt.
I don’t know what it was in the end that flipped our status, but my popularity skyrocketed as his fell. He grew increasingly bewildered as I improved my methods for...well...method. Yes, maybe this is why he never matched with me. He was willing to put the time into memorizing lines, but he never dug further than what was on the page. He read the words, but he never became them. I suppose the turning point was when I received the part for my current show: Lillian Dorsey.
Don’t cut me off. It’ll connect.
Throughout our relationship, I made a point of giving him all the fine theatrical details from the beginning. That way he’d know exactly what to look forward to before I fully merged with my character. This time I chose otherwise.
This particular character had certain needs. Someone with a history of hardened emotions. Someone hopelessly misunderstood. Someone with no affinity for human life. Most importantly, someone who ends up thoroughly alone. And perhaps for the better.
Do you mind if I take this jacket off?
If you don’t know, rehearsals can last several months, and this particular show was very complex. If it sounds frustrating to have your partner play this part of silence and solitude without telling you anything, you’d be wrong. At least for Arwin you’d be wrong. He’s so understanding. This isn’t to say that he wasn’t affected, but he hardly ever brought it up. It didn’t matter that I closed myself off, left his calls unanswered, and forgot every important day we shared between us. He was still there at the end of it. He was the only one still there.
I had to become Lillian. Nothing else mattered. But despite my efforts over the next few months, I couldn’t fully connect with her. Something held me back. I anguished over this mystery inhibition for the entirety of the production schedule. During rehearsals, the rest of the cast and crew praised my portrayal of Lillian whenever they mustered the courage to approach me in costume. But that’s all it was. A portrayal.
The car ride? I was getting there. I’m rather excited for my next show and don’t intend to stay here for long so here it is:
Last night was the first show and I still hadn’t found a true connection to Lillian, so you can imagine my desperation. Arwin offered to drive me to the theater to meet the call time. I insisted he didn’t have to but he wanted to spend more time together. Some part of him still wanted to figure out who I was before the performance spoke for me. I wished he hadn’t been so insistent on coming. Surprisingly, Arwin recognized a blemish in my behavior. He tried to comfort me, telling me he’d be there no matter what. No matter if he didn’t know who I was.
I knew exactly what I needed to do to become Lillian.
The back of the theater was open as usual so I entered there after I was finished. If you could see the level of excitement everyone had when they finally saw me in character! I received a standing ovation and I had to remove myself from the audience and my fellow cast members as quickly as possible. I couldn't risk familiarizing myself with everyone. It doesn’t end after the first show. Truly it was a brilliant performance.
After leaving the car, I bumped into the stage manager. He ran his eyes down my crimson-stained outfit and asked me how I changed into Lillian without entering the costume room. I said I’d already become her.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a show to perform.

Christian Barragan

Christian Barragan is a graduate from California State University, Northridge. Raised in Riverside, CA, he aims to become a novelist or literary editor. He's previously read submissions for Open Ceilings Magazine and the Northridge Review. His work has appeared in Pif Magazine, Clamor Magazine, and Coffin Bell, among others.

Headshot: Christian Barragan

Photo Credit: Staff